Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Test of Faith in Changing Hearts

For the past year I have been working on moving our daughter Kathryn out of a nursing home and into a support home. My hope and prayer is she would be in a more loving and stimulating environment. It is heartbreaking each time I go and see her in the nursing home. Just the thought of my sweet little girl there brings tears to my eyes. As I walk through this process I often feel alone and wonder if it will ever workout. Feeling broken and defeated, I knew this was beyond anything I could do on my own. I turned to the one source which would be my strength and could accomplish this move, God, so I started to pray.

It all started with Gene not wanting to put Kathryn into a support home. I was not even sure if this was what I wanted. I was sure however, a nursing home no longer met her needs. So I started to pray for God to provide a perfect home for Kathryn and if it were to be a support home, for God to change Gene's heart. For a year I continued to pray this, I was not sure if God was even listening. I also worked on letting go of my control of Kathryn's care and turning it over to the Lord. This has been a tremendous test of faith. A test which I have failed at frequently, however the times I got it right, God was amazing. When God's in charge, things end up better than anything I could have planned. However, his timing is not mine and I can not always see how he is working. This is what makes letting go and letting God so difficult. The lesson I have learned is; to look for answered prayers that come in obscure and unexpected ways and I do not have to see the results to know He is working. (This could be a post in itself)

Anyway back to my test of faith. In February of this year, one year after our first meeting with Every Child Counts, I received a phone call from Kathryn's case worker letting us know a support family had been located in Irving. Gene was still not wanting to place Kathryn with a support family and took some convincing to go and visit them. Once again I started to pray that if this was God's will for Kathryn, Gene's heart would be changed. On March 12th, Kathryn's 21st birthday, we met the support family, Virgina and her husband. On the way to their home, Gene reminded me that he was going only because I asked him and he did not like the option. He then proceeded to give me all the reasons why this was not a good situation for Kathryn. I prayed all the way there, that if this is what God wanted, he would change Gene's heart.

During the meeting, I came up with my own list of why I did not like this situation. After we loaded Kathryn into the van and started home I asked Gene what he thought. I was ready to add my reasons to his list why not to place her with this support family. To my surprise he gave me a list of reasons why this was a good placement for Kathryn. I was taken back and unsure of what to say when he turned the question back to me. I did what any hormone filled woman would do...I didn't say a word, I just cried. Once I got the flood gate under control, I prayed praising God for answered prayer and changing Gene's heart, it was a miracle. We spent the next 15 minutes comparing lists and for the first time in a year he was addressing my concerns with his list of the benefits for Kathryn. This was quite the role reversal.

God had His work cut out for Him, another miracle would be needed. As quickly as Gene changed his heart, mine was changing too. This will be the topic for my next post.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Looking out my window towards the valley, I can see four towns in the distance. On most evenings, as the sun sets over these small country communities, you can see a fabulous show of orange and pink in various shades. At times there are even hues of purple added to the magnificent sky in the west.

One spring evening, as I looked out my front window, there was a different picture being painted. I could see a storm blowing in, the parade of colors had turned to black. The once white billowing clouds were dark with sharp spears of light shooting from them wildly, followed by loud and terrifying cracks and claps. The gentle breeze of spring had turned violent and the trees were twisting in the wind. A storm was approaching and I was in it’s path.

I turned on my television so that I could try and catch the 6 o’clock weather and get a better idea of what I was in store for. The picture painted by the weatherman was not promising. Hail and tornado activity were reported to the west of us and heading our way. The rain was falling from the sky as if buckets of water were being emptied, instead of the gentle spring rain we had experienced earlier in the week. Our field to the south of us now hosted a river of water roaring down the hill. Our pond, which was bone dry, now was full and if the rain continued at this rate, the water would spill over the dam.

Although this was a terrifying experience I knew that I was safe in the shelter of my home and I took comfort in this. My next few entries will be reflecting on the storms of life that I have experienced and how I found my shelter and comfort in the Lord. As I am writing this, I am reminded of a storm that Jesus had calmed in Matthew 4:35-71 and Luke 8:22-25. Jesus and his disciples were crossing the sea and a storm blew in while Jesus slept. The disciples woke him asking if he cared if they perished. Jesus spoke "peace, be still" and the storm was calmed. He then responded to them saying "where is you faith?". How often do we find ourselves in the storms of life and ask God if he is there and does he care, when instead we should be placing our faith in him.

2 Corinthians 1:4
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has give us.

Friday, July 24, 2009


Why are tears necessary? What bothers me most about them is I have little to no control of when they will come rolling out of my eyes? They come as an outward sign of an emotion I am experiencing and are not always timely in their appearance. There are times that I do not wish to share my emotions publicly! Today was one of those days, I just wanted to be little Miss put together in the middle of a emotional storm.

Have you ever noticed that tear (the salty drops that fall from your eyes) and tear (to pull or rip something apart) are spelled the same but have a different meaning? Or do they? When I cry, it may be due to a strong emotion which is ripping me apart. Like today, I was struggling with emotions regarding Kathryn and I felt broken as a result of my inability to care for her the way I want to. My inward emotions and feelings were ripping me apart (tear) and outwardly I could not stop crying (tear). Ok they are different, but how interesting that they often go hand in hand.

What is my point? I don't have one, just rambling...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fathers Day

Well today is fathers day.  I need to call and wish my dad a happy day and catch up on all that has been going on with him.  I plan on spending the day with the father of my two beautiful girls having fun in the pool and making grilled pizza then watching a movie.  Could the day be more perfect than this?

Nope...Wait...It has just occurred to me that fathers day falls on Sunday.  I know this should not be news to me, it always does.  But I was thinking how cool that is... after all Sunday is the day we worship our heavenly father and this Sunday we also celebrate fathers.   Today just got better because I have the best father about you?  Do you have a relationship with the Lord?  Have you trusted in Christ as your Savior?  Don't miss out, there is no love greater than the eternal love of our heavenly Father.  

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

This weekend we went to the Texas Motor Speedway to watch an Indy car race.  We sat for over two hours...watching cars make over 200 laps... going over 200 miles per hour... only making left end up in the same spot they started in.  And just think they will do the same thing the next race they run.  

What is my point?  Well I guess I can relate, I just race around only to start the process over the next day.  I feel like I am going nowhere and am getting nothing done.  My laundry still is behind, I have housework yet to be completed and I am behind at work!  Will I ever get done or caught up?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  There for we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its water roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
     Psalms 46:1-3

At work our chaplin has been camped out on Psalms 46.  To hear her talk about God's word and to read it is exciting.  Well tonight I was getting ready for bed and decided to read Psalms 46 and I got excited as I read and needed to journal my thoughts.  Well here I am once again publicly putting my thoughts on paper, rather than in my book that I put away for no one to see...or is it I'm putting my thoughts down electronically?  Anyway let me get to the point.

I have been blessed with some amazing friends who love the Lord and find their faith and strength in Him.  I have seen many of them go through some really tough things and be in tremendous amounts of physical and emotional pain.  The one thing I am amazed to see is how God is all that this verse describes;  refuge, strength, ever present help and that we will not fear.  All I can think to say is "Go God!".

Oh did you notice the Selah?  This is something we are suppose to take time to pause......   When you get done with your pause, take time to enjoy another one of my pictures from Alaska.

Be still and know that I am God;
Psalms 46:10a

I have been praying about several things I feel overwhelmed by and want to take charge of.  This morning God in His still quiet voice said "Your problem is you feel the need to be in charge.  Well you are not, I am"  I just started laughing, He was right.  A major area of concern in my life and has been for the past 20 years is the care of Kathryn.  Gene and I are looking at making some major changes in her living arrangements.  I want to take charge and not be still.  But after reading tonight this was a conformation to me that we just need to be still and know that He is God.   It sounds so easy, so why is it so hard?  I guess that will need to be a blog for another day.

Monday, June 1, 2009

I am so very tired.  I was looking at my last post and the last three words of the verse happened to catch my eye.  "the sixth day".  Well what fallows six?  Well seven of course! It got me to thinking about what God did on the seventh day, he rested.  I find myself going and do not take time to rest, seventh day or otherwise.  God knew what he was doing when he put a day in there to rest, reflect and spiritual, physical and mental being suffers when I do not take out time once a week to rest.  Hmmm, it is now 10:30 pm and I am still pushing myself as I try and say something worth while.  So here it is...are you ready?  I am going to bed.