A Test of Faith in Changing Hearts

For the past year I have been working on moving our daughter Kathryn out of a nursing home and into a support home. My hope and prayer is she would be in a more loving and stimulating environment. It is heartbreaking each time I go and see her in the nursing home. Just the thought of my sweet little girl there brings tears to my eyes. As I walk through this process I often feel alone and wonder if it will ever workout. Feeling broken and defeated, I knew this was beyond anything I could do on my own. I turned to the one source which would be my strength and could accomplish this move, God, so I started to pray.

It all started with Gene not wanting to put Kathryn into a support home. I was not even sure if this was what I wanted. I was sure however, a nursing home no longer met her needs. So I started to pray for God to provide a perfect home for Kathryn and if it were to be a support home, for God to change Gene's heart. For a year I continued to pray this, I was not sure if God was even listening. I also worked on letting go of my control of Kathryn's care and turning it over to the Lord. This has been a tremendous test of faith. A test which I have failed at frequently, however the times I got it right, God was amazing. When God's in charge, things end up better than anything I could have planned. However, his timing is not mine and I can not always see how he is working. This is what makes letting go and letting God so difficult. The lesson I have learned is; to look for answered prayers that come in obscure and unexpected ways and I do not have to see the results to know He is working. (This could be a post in itself)

Anyway back to my test of faith. In February of this year, one year after our first meeting with Every Child Counts, I received a phone call from Kathryn's case worker letting us know a support family had been located in Irving. Gene was still not wanting to place Kathryn with a support family and took some convincing to go and visit them. Once again I started to pray that if this was God's will for Kathryn, Gene's heart would be changed. On March 12th, Kathryn's 21st birthday, we met the support family, Virgina and her husband. On the way to their home, Gene reminded me that he was going only because I asked him and he did not like the option. He then proceeded to give me all the reasons why this was not a good situation for Kathryn. I prayed all the way there, that if this is what God wanted, he would change Gene's heart.

During the meeting, I came up with my own list of why I did not like this situation. After we loaded Kathryn into the van and started home I asked Gene what he thought. I was ready to add my reasons to his list why not to place her with this support family. To my surprise he gave me a list of reasons why this was a good placement for Kathryn. I was taken back and unsure of what to say when he turned the question back to me. I did what any hormone filled woman would do...I didn't say a word, I just cried. Once I got the flood gate under control, I prayed praising God for answered prayer and changing Gene's heart, it was a miracle. We spent the next 15 minutes comparing lists and for the first time in a year he was addressing my concerns with his list of the benefits for Kathryn. This was quite the role reversal.

God had His work cut out for Him, another miracle would be needed. As quickly as Gene changed his heart, mine was changing too. This will be the topic for my next post.

PEACE IN THE STORM

Looking out my window towards the valley, I can see four towns in the distance. On most evenings, as the sun sets over these small country communities, you can see a fabulous show of orange and pink in various shades. At times there are even hues of purple added to the magnificent sky in the west.

One spring evening, as I looked out my front window, there was a different picture being painted. I could see a storm blowing in, the parade of colors had turned to black. The once white billowing clouds were dark with sharp spears of light shooting from them wildly, followed by loud and terrifying cracks and claps. The gentle breeze of spring had turned violent and the trees were twisting in the wind. A storm was approaching and I was in it’s path.

I turned on my television so that I could try and catch the 6 o’clock weather and get a better idea of what I was in store for. The picture painted by the weatherman was not promising. Hail and tornado activity were reported to the west of us and heading our way. The rain was falling from the sky as if buckets of water were being emptied, instead of the gentle spring rain we had experienced earlier in the week. Our field to the south of us now hosted a river of water roaring down the hill. Our pond, which was bone dry, now was full and if the rain continued at this rate, the water would spill over the dam.

Although this was a terrifying experience I knew that I was safe in the shelter of my home and I took comfort in this. My next few entries will be reflecting on the storms of life that I have experienced and how I found my shelter and comfort in the Lord. As I am writing this, I am reminded of a storm that Jesus had calmed in Matthew 4:35-71 and Luke 8:22-25. Jesus and his disciples were crossing the sea and a storm blew in while Jesus slept. The disciples woke him asking if he cared if they perished. Jesus spoke "peace, be still" and the storm was calmed. He then responded to them saying "where is you faith?". How often do we find ourselves in the storms of life and ask God if he is there and does he care, when instead we should be placing our faith in him.

2 Corinthians 1:4

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has give us.

Tears

Why are tears necessary? What bothers me most about them is I have little to no control of when they will come rolling out of my eyes? They come as an outward sign of an emotion I am experiencing and are not always timely in their appearance. There are times that I do not wish to share my emotions publicly! Today was one of those days, I just wanted to be little Miss put together in the middle of a emotional storm.

Have you ever noticed that tear (the salty drops that fall from your eyes) and tear (to pull or rip something apart) are spelled the same but have a different meaning? Or do they? When I cry, it may be due to a strong emotion which is ripping me apart. Like today, I was struggling with emotions regarding Kathryn and I felt broken as a result of my inability to care for her the way I want to. My inward emotions and feelings were ripping me apart (tear) and outwardly I could not stop crying (tear). Ok they are different, but how interesting that they often go hand in hand.

What is my point? I don't have one, just rambling...

Fathers Day

Well today is fathers day.  I need to call and wish my dad a happy day and catch up on all that has been going on with him.  I plan on spending the day with the father of my two beautiful girls having fun in the pool and making grilled pizza then watching a movie.  Could the day be more perfect than this?

Nope...Wait...It has just occurred to me that fathers day falls on Sunday.  I know this should not be news to me, it always does.  But I was thinking how cool that is... after all Sunday is the day we worship our heavenly father and this Sunday we also celebrate fathers.   Today just got better because I have the best father ever...how about you?  Do you have a relationship with the Lord?  Have you trusted in Christ as your Savior?  Don't miss out, there is no love greater than the eternal love of our heavenly Father.  

This weekend we went to the Texas Motor Speedway to watch an Indy car race.  We sat for over two hours...watching cars make over 200 laps... going over 200 miles per hour... only making left turns...to end up in the same spot they started in.  And just think they will do the same thing the next race they run.  

What is my point?  Well I guess I can relate, I just race around only to start the process over the next day.  I feel like I am going nowhere and am getting nothing done.  My laundry still is behind, I have housework yet to be completed and I am behind at work!  Will I ever get done or caught up?

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  There for we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its water roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

                                                                                                                                                   Selah

     Psalms 46:1-3

At work our chaplin has been camped out on Psalms 46.  To hear her talk about God's word and to read it is exciting.  Well tonight I was getting ready for bed and decided to read Psalms 46 and I got excited as I read and needed to journal my thoughts.  Well here I am once again publicly putting my thoughts on paper, rather than in my book that I put away for no one to see...or is it I'm putting my thoughts down electronically?  Anyway let me get to the point.

I have been blessed with some amazing friends who love the Lord and find their faith and strength in Him.  I have seen many of them go through some really tough things and be in tremendous amounts of physical and emotional pain.  The one thing I am amazed to see is how God is all that this verse describes;  refuge, strength, ever present help and that we will not fear.  All I can think to say is "Go God!".

Oh did you notice the Selah?  This is something we are suppose to take time to pause......   When you get done with your pause, take time to enjoy another one of my pictures from Alaska.

Be still and know that I am God;

Psalms 46:10a

I have been praying about several things I feel overwhelmed by and want to take charge of.  This morning God in His still quiet voice said "Your problem is you feel the need to be in charge.  Well you are not, I am"  I just started laughing, He was right.  A major area of concern in my life and has been for the past 20 years is the care of Kathryn.  Gene and I are looking at making some major changes in her living arrangements.  I want to take charge and not be still.  But after reading tonight this was a conformation to me that we just need to be still and know that He is God.   It sounds so easy, so why is it so hard?  I guess that will need to be a blog for another day.

I am so very tired.  I was looking at my last post and the last three words of the verse happened to catch my eye.  "the sixth day".  Well what fallows six?  Well seven of course! It got me to thinking about what God did on the seventh day, he rested.  I find myself going and do not take time to rest, seventh day or otherwise.  God knew what he was doing when he put a day in there to rest, reflect and worship...my spiritual, physical and mental being suffers when I do not take out time once a week to rest.  Hmmm, it is now 10:30 pm and I am still pushing myself as I try and say something worth while.  So here it is...are you ready?  I am going to bed.

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day
Genesis 1:31

Have you ever payed attention to what was around you as you were driving down the road, sitting in your yard or maybe while visiting a park and thought about God creating all beauty that surrounds you. Just call me sappy, but I love looking at nature and thinking about how amazing God is to have such variety in his creation and the attention to detail. I recently got a new camera and love to try and capture the beauty that surrounds me, my pictures however do not do justice to the subject matter. Never the less I continue on my journey to capture God's creation. My favorites are sunrise and sunsets.

Recently I went to Alaska for 8 days and tried my best to capture the amazing grandeur of God's creation. After taking over 1,500 pictures (this is not an exaggeration) I still was unable to capture what I saw. But I want to share just a few of my favorite pictures.

Next time you go out... look around and pay attention to what you see. Breath in the beauty that surrounds you and celebrate God's majesty.

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her
Proverbs 31:28

Today is “Mother’s Day” and like every other year I reflect on how I am blessed with two amazing girls. Today I attended church with Elizabeth my oldest daughter and I must say that I had a twinge of regret as the pastor preached on the role of the mother in raising her children to become godly adults. Elizabeth was not raised in a godly home where mom gave spiritual wisdom, support and guidance. God however placed a friend, family and church in her life to help her to grow spiritually according to the Lord’s desire for her life.

As a non-Christian I did not understand the faith she had in God and the importance she placed in His word. As a teen Elizabeth knew my need for salvation and attempted to witness to me, but only found rejection. She and her friends started to pray for my salvation. Six years later God placed a special friend and church family in my life and I accepted Christ as my Savior. Several years after I had made my profession of faith I was sharing with Elizabeth my testimony, tears filled her eyes, she then share that she and friends had been praying for me. We celebrated together God’s faithfulness in answering her prayer.

I am sad to say that I do not get a do over with Elizabeth, but I so value the time we have together today as women who love the Lord. God however has given me lots of chances to share with kids, teens and young women His love, grace and mercy as well as His desire for them to live a life pleasing to Him.

As I quietly sit and reflect on my blessings, I am proud of who Elizabeth had become in spite of me. Thank you God, I praise your endless love.

So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while.  These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 

     1 Peter  1:6-7

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 119:5

I am not sure what blog etiquette is regarding the length of an entry, but I'm sure that I am about to break every rule in the book...or is it every rule on the web.

Today I was sharing with a precious friend of mine about my struggle with having Kathryn in a nursing home. She responded like any loving friend would with "I am sorry you are having to go through this". This entry and maybe several to come will address why I am so grateful for my struggle and suffering. I would not change a thing as God blesses me and draws me closer to him as a refuge in my pain and brokenness. I am blessed because of;

• miracles I am able to witness
• I do not take the little things for granted with Kathryn
• I can see God work in situations that seem hopeless
• Kathryn and I are able to share with those around us God's mercy, grace and love

My first blessing I want to blog happened about 11 years ago when Kathryn was 9. I was sitting with Kathryn singing to her, stroking her cheek and telling her how much I loved her. An emotional wave of sadness washed over me as I was talking to her. Kathryn is hearing impaired, I am unsure of what she hears and understands and she is non-verbal. My sweet Kathryn has never been able to say "I love you mommy". I started crying and pouring my heart out to God. Like I said in my last post I can relate to David in Psalms as he pours his heart out. I asked God why, I prayed for him to let me hear her voice and to tell me she loved me just once. Well God's word promises he will hear our prayers and answer them and he did. While I was still praying Kathryn reached up her fist and stroked my face just like I stroke hers as I told her I loved her. I was overwhelmed with God's amazing attention to detail as every stroke was just like mine. This was truly a miracle as Kathryn at that time had started to loose the use of her arms and could not have done that on her own.

I think that was the best "I love you" ever!! Not only did it come from Kathryn, but my Heavenly Father was sharing with me his love too. Had it been any other way, I would have missed my God hug and to witness a current day miracle. Thank you God!

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. 

     Psalm 119:28

I can so relate to David.  He cries out to the Lord and tells it like it is, David is one guy who is not afriad to show his emotions.  He does not hold back in letting God know how he is feeling and what is going on in his life.  What I find incredible is the hope, joy, and strength he receives as the Lord  helps him through his trails.  I love Psalms, there is so much drama, I guess that is why I can relate.  Some times I feel like a drama queen and it wears me out.  I bet David was worn out too.  I have shed lots tears lately and have been broken hearted.  This has resulted in me spending more time in God's word and in prayer.  I know this is just where God wants me. 

  For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

      Isaiah 41:13

Sometimes in the journey of life you come upon bumps and curves in the road that you do not think you can handle.  I have been in one of those places in the past couple of months.  When you have a special needs child, there are times you feel that you can't handle any more.  This is just where I have been this past week.  Well, I came upon this jewel and had to share it.  I do not know about you but I get giddy just thinking about Him taking my hand and helping.  I can't wait to see what happens.   

 The Mighty One, God, the Lord, speaks and summons the earth from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets.  From Zion, perfect in beauty, God shines forth.  

     Psalm 50:1-2

I am amazed each day with the sunrise and sunset.  How each one is different, so beautiful and full of color.  I can not tell you how many pictures I have taken of this spectacular event.  As I sit and watch, I find the most incredible thing about the rising and the setting of the sun is that the Lord summons this to occur each day.  

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.   

      Psa 136:1